when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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