but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
