It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
