So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
