He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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