yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
