Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
