Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
