You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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