similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
