just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
