1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
