what day is it and did you see me today?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
