Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
