i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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