some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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