You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
