If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
