quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
