I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
