I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
