Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
