I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize