I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
