I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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