Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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