From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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