haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
