i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i drank out of a bidet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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