Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
