I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Where is the hickey?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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