I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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