Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize