i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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