I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
