i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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