When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
