You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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