I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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