Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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