Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
