I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
