Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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