Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
