Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
