My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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