i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
