I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
