Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
