I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
