At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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