fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
