If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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