I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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