Tell her she can't have a vagina
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
