A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's shark week go big or go home
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
