This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
