Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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