You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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