when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
